I Love Myself. I Still Want Someone to Love Me.

When did that become something we had to apologize for?

There’s this weird message floating around that if you really love yourself, you shouldn’t need anybody.

Be whole.
Choose yourself.
Date yourself.
Buy yourself flowers.
Take yourself to dinner.
Build your own life.

Okay. Done.

I took myself out. Paid the bill. Told myself I looked amazing. Honestly, I’m a wonderful date. A little expensive, but worth it. 😂

But apparently now I’m supposed to be so independent that wanting a good morning text is a character flaw?

Besh. I said I love myself. I didn’t say I wanted to marry myself & spend the honeymoon taking pictures with a timer.

Somewhere along the way, self-love became another thing we could fail at.

Now we’re judging people for wanting connection, as if the final stage of healing is becoming a woman who needs nothing except sunlight & good Wi-Fi.

What if I love myself & still want someone to love me?

What if I enjoy my own company & still want somebody beside me?

What if I can build a beautiful life alone, but I’d also like someone to come home to & say, “You will not BELIEVE what happened today.”

Someone who knows the characters. Someone I don’t have to give a forty-minute backstory before getting to the bullshit.

I can hold my own hand through life.

But another hand would be nice. Preferably attached to a man who communicates. Let’s not get distracted by forearms & forget the assignment.

That doesn’t make me incomplete.

It makes me human.

Wanting love is not the same as wanting someone to save you.

My life is already full. I have people to love, things to build, responsibilities & enough ideas to keep several versions of me employed.

I want love because it’s an experience I want to have.

I want to discover another human being. How his mind works. What makes him laugh. What he’s afraid to say out loud. Who he becomes when life doesn’t go his way.

Also, how he behaves when he’s hungry. I believe in thorough research.

I want inside jokes nobody else understands.

I want a random Tuesday conversation that starts with “What do you want for dinner?” & somehow ends with childhood, God, aliens, a business idea & whether we should fly somewhere next weekend.

Dinner still hasn’t been decided. But we have a company name & a theory about the universe.

I want someone whose face becomes familiar & still makes me smile.

Kisses in the kitchen. Long hugs. That little hand on my back when we’re walking through a crowd.

Someone who looks across the room & knows exactly what I’m thinking.

Especially when I’m thinking, “We need to leave before my face says something my mouth is trying very hard not to.”

I want friendship.
Intimacy.
Partnership.

I want to be chosen & have someone I’m excited to choose right back.

And somehow, admitting that feels more vulnerable than announcing, “I don’t need anybody.”

I understand the armor.

I can do it myself.
I’m good alone.
I don’t expect anything.
Nobody can disappoint me if I don’t let them close.

Sometimes those words come from peace.

Sometimes they come from being tired of getting hurt & deciding we’re closed for business indefinitely.

I’ve had to ask myself which one I’m doing.

Because I don’t want to get so good at protecting my heart that even a decent man needs a visitor’s badge, three references & an appointment six weeks out.

There’s courage in saying, “I want you.”

And meaning:

I like my life. I like who I am. I would love to get to know you & see what we could build together.

I won’t abandon myself to keep you. But I also won’t pretend I’m indifferent just to look powerful.

If I like you, you’re probably going to know. My face has never respected confidentiality.

I want to stay independent & let myself be loved.

I’ve carried enough things by myself to know I’m capable. At this point, nobody needs another demonstration.

Yes, I can figure it out.

But hearing “I’ve got this, baby” & watching someone actually handle it?

My shoulders would like to experience that.

I’m learning to receive affection, effort, protection & tenderness without immediately wondering what the invoice will look like later.

To let someone do something kind without rushing to prove I could’ve done it myself.

To accept a compliment with “Thank you,” instead of presenting evidence against it.

Growth. Occasionally uncomfortable. Apparently there’s no graduation ceremony.

And I’m realizing self-love & romantic love were never supposed to compete.

I can buy myself flowers & still melt when someone remembers which ones I love.

I can take myself to dinner & still enjoy hearing, “Be ready at seven. I made reservations.”

Actual reservations. At a place. With a time.

Look at you, being sexy with a calendar.

Being whole doesn’t mean I have to become an island.

I don’t have to act unavailable to appear valuable. I don’t need to pretend I’m too busy to care.

And I refuse to spend my life playing “Who Can Seem Less Interested?”

Congratulations, we both lost. Nobody got kissed.

So yes. I want someone to love me.

There. I said it.

I want someone who sees these ridiculous layers of me & gets curious.

The deep thinker. The smartass. The soft heart. The woman with giant dreams who also wants to lie on your chest & do absolutely nothing for a while.

Someone who understands that I can talk about faith & purpose, then immediately ask a deeply unserious question.

There’s range here, babe. Stay with me.

I want someone who keeps discovering me because I’m going to keep growing. Someone I get to discover too.

I want us to laugh, create, build things, help people & collect moments we’ll still talk about years later.

I want us to disagree without making each other feel unsafe. To repair things. To keep showing up when life isn’t particularly romantic.

Because somebody still has to take the trash out after the soul connection.

I want two people choosing each other freely, with enough room to be themselves & enough care to make a life together.

To look at each other & think:

Life is already beautiful. I’d really love to experience it with you.

So… where are you, my love?

Are you even real? Are you lost? Did you stop to help somebody? Because that’s attractive, but please wrap it up. 😩😂

I’m preparing for your arrival. Making room in my life, softening where I can, learning what I still need to learn.

But hurry up a little. I have kisses & wildly specific things to tell you.

I’m ready to love you. And when we find each other, I want us to have something worth taking care of.

I’m not embarrassed about wanting that anymore.

I love myself enough to know I deserve care.

And I’m still brave enough to let someone get close.